“You can’t become financially independent with someone else’s money.” – Farnoosh Torabi of the So Money Podcast
The frankness of this statement amazed me.
While being interviewed by Jamila Souffrant at Journey to Launch, Ms. Torabi spoke of the need for women to control their own money. She posited that a woman without her own money could not truly be independent of someone else for her financial security.
I’ve been thinking about this idea for a while now, and I believe it wholeheartedly. A woman without her own money will always be dependent on someone else for her financial security – a parent, a spouse, the state. It’s not a great way to live, yet for millions of us it is a reality that we accept as easily as we accept that the sun rises in the east every morning.
Women who control their own money aren’t as rare as they once were but they’re not as common as they should be either. One of my friends was married to a very good-looking man who decided to stray. She decided that she wouldn’t tolerate that particular decision and they divorced. One of the reasons why she could make that decision was because she holds a professional degree. Her education allowed her to secure her own financial future – she could pay the mortgage, the nanny, the divorce lawyer, and all the costs associated with being a single mother raising babies. From a financial perspective, my friend was very okay because she was and continues to be financially independent. She doesn’t have to depend on anyone else’s money to live the life she wants to live.
Full disclosure – I’m a Singleton. While I hear about the debate between married people who share all of their money and the married people who keep things separate, it’s an academic discussion to me. I’ve never had to seriously consider whether I would share my money with another person.
Additional disclosure – the idea of sharing my money makes my stomach turn. And when I’ve considered why I’m so against the idea of co-mingling my money, it’s because I view that decision as increasing my risk instead of increasing my security. If I were a Singleton living paycheque-to-paycheque, or living in debt, then the idea of sharing another person’s wealth might be quite attractive. Similarly, if I could be certain that a partner’s views of money were compatible with my own and that he had also built up a nice-sized war chest while a Singleton, then the concept of a joint bank account wouldn’t cause so much anxiety for me.
Even without hearing it articulated, I’ve always known that having control of my money has meant that I retained the power to make independent choices about how to live my life. Since leaving my parents’ home, I’ve never had to ask for permission to spend a single dollar. I’ve never had to discuss a purchase with another person because the money was mine. I’ve never had to compromise with anyone about how to invest my money.
You see, I’ve always understood that having control of my money meant having more control over my future financial well-being. Even if I was married to the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful human being on the planet who took care of my every financial need, there’s no guarantee from anyone or anything that my Wonderful Human would be there forever. People die – people leave – people get kidnapped – people get sick – employment disappears – businesses fail – etc, etc, etc… If any of those things were to happen to my Wonderful Human, I would not want to be in a position where I had to worry about money while also dealing with the emotional grief that would inevitably accompany that loss.
By the same token, I always knew that I didn’t want to be forced to stay in a relationship just because of money. I didn’t want to be financially dependent on someone who was abusive to me, or who didn’t treat me kindly. I wanted to have the ability to walk away from any relationship that didn’t work anymore, or that wasn’t giving me what I needed. I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone else because that would mean that they controlled my financial future. If they had the power to make the financial decisions for my life, then I would forever have to wonder when, or if, they would take away their financial largesse and give it to someone else.
I accept that there are no guarantees in life. However, I also accept that women can take steps with their money to build a solid financial foundation for themselves and that they should not look to others for financial security. Having money of her own means that a woman can make choices for her own best interests without worrying about how to accommodate the wishes of someone else. A woman with money can leave a bad situation, a bad job, a bad relationship without worrying how to feed, shelter, clothe herself. Money gives women the option to finance the basic necessities that they need without requiring them to depend on anyone else.
Ms. Torabi is right – you cannot become financially independent if you’re relying on someone else’s money.
